Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
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