Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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