if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
