We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
