I'm so fucking centered right now
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Randomize
