It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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