I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
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