dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
