my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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