if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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