You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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