if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
