How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
