....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
