My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
he fucked my hip out of place.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
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