why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I want her autograph on my taint
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
