mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
