The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
