I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
