I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
so that wasnt chicken after all
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
