Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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