i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
‪Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best. ‬
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