I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
