I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
