you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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