He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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