1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
