I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
