Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
