I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Randomize
