There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
it glows. i had to have it.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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