I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Of course I have a pirate flag
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
