Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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