words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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