Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
i just had sex bonerless
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
