I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
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