I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
