I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
