i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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