I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
