I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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