I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
