You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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