I'm eating all of the evidence.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Vodka?
Forever.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Randomize
