A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Randomize
