Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
