They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
