you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Drake has all the answers
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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