You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
