I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
We left the knife in your bed.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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