Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
