Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
