I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
ugly people sure do ruin things
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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