he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
please don't ironically join a cult
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