Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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