If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
